Quintessence of the Loon

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What moves in the plastic pipes?Union Agricultural Institute: Starting Out with the Cosmic Pipe added 31 August 1999
Another application of homeopathy to farming. This time, you don't just spray the stuff on, you run it through pipes under the ground. The pipes have to be arranged in a certain pattern, of course, so that the cosmic energy can be properly applied. I suppose if you lose the map, you could always get a dowser along to find the pipes later.

(It concerns me a little that this system uses PVC pipes, which seems to negate the organicness of the whole thing. Environmentalists keep telling us how deadly PVC is. If I had these pipes in my garden I would be a bit worried that Greenpeace might dump a dead whale on my front step, or whatever it is they do these days to protest about plastic pipes.)

It looks like this site has gone to the great compost heap in the sky. Maybe they didn't fertilise it enough, or perhaps the PVC pipes really did poison the ground. PB October 2000

Mysterious forces unknown to scienceSympathetic Vibratory Physics - John W. Keely added 29 August 1999
At last, a perpetual motion machine. Here we have the Keely Motor, powered by Forces Unknown To Science (FUTS). The diagram at the right explains some of the essential physics of the process. At least I think that's what it does. My ignorance of perpetual motion is total, but I met a physicist in a bar once and, just before he fell off his stool, he explained to me why the bubbles in Guinness never stop moving. There was a pattern of beer coasters and wet rings on the bar in front of him that looked just like the picture. I never saw him again, but I am sure he gave me a clue to his secret project, because just before he landed in the peanut shells on the floor I heard him say "damn gravity".

(This site also has something about the IRS. I wondered what this had to do with the subject, but then it occurred to me - there is nothing more unstoppable than a taxation department. A perpetual motion organisation.)

Loon of the Month

It was nearly a tie this month for Loon of the Month. A couple were easy to eliminate - after all, who hasn't invented a perpetual motion machine or two, and everyone has experienced the feeling of talking backwards, like that time when you had to explain to the traffic cop why you were wearing a paisley tuxedo and a fez, singing "Light My Fire" a semitone flat and driving around with a southern right whale on the roof of the VW.

I finally decided on the solar anomaly because the owners of the site seemed as befuddled by it as I am. Honesty should be rewarded.

Sun, sun, sun, sun. We all live for the sun.The Solar Anomaly added 18 August 1999
Funny things are going on with the Sun. Just last week, the whole thing disappeared over much of Europe, but luckily it came back again after a while. It is beyond coincidence that a solar eclipse should occur approximately almost exactly on the day when the year between the introduction of a new European currency and the end of the millennium is split by the Golden Ratio. They have been warned. (Note for pedants: The ratio is the same if you think the millennium ends at the end of 2000, just upside-down. Even eerier.)

"Day for Night" - Truffaut 1973But this is different. I am not an astronomer so I don't understand much of this web site, but it appears that strange objects are orbiting the Sun. Powerful analysis tools like the GIMP from Linux have been used in the investigation. Sometimes the pictures of the Sun show it to be dark blue, but I assume that (like in old movies) this just means that the pictures were taken at night. Who knows what is going on? The web site owners say they don't know. I don't know. Do you?

How long is a piece of string?Extra
The World's Largest Ball of Twine added 18 August 1999

So you don't miss out, this is a reminder that the weekend of the third Saturday in August is annual twine winding time in Cawker City, Kansas, USA, when additions are made to the world's largest ball of string. Winding is on Friday, and the picnic and parade are on Saturday. Tie a bit of string around your finger so you don't forget. Unfortunately, I can't be there because I have to go to a wedding. I will have a cup of Twinings tea after the happy couple tie the knot.

Orchids, orchards. Who cares? they're all plants.PlantsŪ Homeopathy added 15 August 1999
"He don't plant 'taters, he don't plant cotton, and them that plants them are soon forgotten, but old Sam Hahnemann, he just keeps rollin' along."

Forget about genetic engineering, pesticides, artificial fertilisers and all the other horrors that the military-agribusiness-complex tells us we need to increase crop yields. Finally, after about 200 years, the work of Samuel Hahnemann is starting to bear fruit (sorry!). We always knew how effective homeopathy was for people and racehorses, but now it has moved into the plant world. Sufferin' succussed succotash! Don't put this stuff on your lawn unless you have already started the mower engine and have a compass handy. The people I feel sorry for, though, are the agricultural chiropractors who will lose all that work adjusting and straightening wheat stalks.

(Speaking of the military-agribusiness-complex or MAC. Have you ever wondered why it's called a "Big MAC" when the company's name is "McDonalds" without the "a"? Now you know.)

Long cool woman in a black dress.Reverse Speech added 10 August 1999
Imagine the scenario. A politician gets up to speak, and suddenly sensible ideas come out of his mouth. Not only that, but the eloquence of his arguments, his compassion for the underprivileged, his honesty and his family values bring a lump to your throat. You sleep restlessly that night, your dreams filled with the imagery and cadences of his oratory. You awake to the sound of the newspaper hitting the porch, and rush to read the transcript of the speech, to experience the wonder again. And what do you get? Words. Platitudes, Banality. And then the truth hits you. You need to hear these words, not read them, in order to get the hidden messages. Written, it's just noise; spoken, it's music.

Right. Listen to me carefully. I have a bridge for sale here in Sydney. It works both forwards and backwards. It is cheap. Listen to me. Read the words aloud. The truth is in there.

What is this boat's name?Extra
Renaming A Boat added 10 August 1999

Ah, Jim lad. I be thinkin' that we've seen no clear skies since we changed the name of the good ship "Armadillo's Cutlass" to "The Haranguer". It be bad luck to change without askin' the boat first. I well remember the words of old Blind Panick when he told the White Star people: 'Don't change the name from "Anorexia Nervosa". No good will come of callin' a ship "Titanic"'.

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