Quintessence of the Loon

Previous monthNext monthOctober 1999 - The Crackers Quackers

I usually leave alternative medicine practitioners and medical quacks to my colleagues over at The Millenium Project, but sometimes there is a level of loonity that requires special attention. This month I featured some who are so mad they think the moon howls back at them. Note - I do not endorse any of this stuff. Don't try it at home. In fact, don't try it anywhere.

The most modern selection of labour-saving devicesPsychic Machines - Robert Miller MS MA added 31 October 1999
You know how you go around clearing up the place before your mother visits (or before the cleaning lady arrives)? Well, if you are off to see your therapist you wouldn't want a dirty aura, so it's a good thing that you can buy an aura cleaner. If you are a therapist or a doctor, you may want to get a psychic vacuum cleaner (available in both domestic and commercial versions) to suck up all those bad vibrations that sick people leave behind. Let's face it, it's bad enough when your energy levels are askew and your chakras are discoordinated without getting sicker from breathing someone else's psychic exhaust.

This site is suspended. Maybe Bob didn't pay his bill, or maybe the site is suspended in the air by powerful suction. PB October 2000

"You must use the bark of the emquich tree, for all know that a coyote has no bark". Old jungle saying.Native American Healing - Lewis Mehl-Madrona, M.D., Ph.D. added 31 October 1999
"Coyote's wristwatch is a chemical clock, a flash of nature that alternates once a second between all of its molecules appearing perhaps blue and the next second, appearing red. No scientist would have believed in such chemical clocks if they had not been observed. Coyote, however, 'knew' in the space between the molecules, mocking our order of sense and propriety."

Is it Coyote's wristwatch which flashes or is this another case of coloured molecules? Dr Mehl-Madrona informs us that the word "chakra" was not only used by both Native Americans and Eastern Gurus, but it meant the same to both. Does Dr Mehl-Madrona suggest that there is a common source for these ancient healing arts, or is the trickster Coyote confounding us?

The Book of Quintessence added 31 October 1999

I just had to add this one, especially as this 15th century book on alchemy has instructions on "how old, virtuous men with feeble bodies might be restored and regain the strength of their youth in the same manner as in all bodies and be made perfectly whole".

Loon of the Month

Selecting a Loon of the Month was difficult. Most of the proponents appear to be barking mad (even Dr Mehl-Madrona who thinks he is a Coyote, an animal which usually does not bark). I decided on Linus Pauling because he was a significant real scientist before he became an "expert" on something he knew nothing about.

I normally award the prize to the site owners, but, as they add nothing to the work of Professor Pauling, I have decided to make a posthumous award to Linus Pauling himself. Like his Nobel Prizes, it will be unshared. The site owners may hold the award in trust.

Linus Pauling 1901-1994Linus Pauling's Hidden Cure for Heart Disease added 26 October 1999
Linus Pauling, who died in 1994, was the only person to win two unshared Nobel Prizes. He was awarded the Chemistry Prize in 1954 for his work on chemical bonds in complex molecules, and the Peace Prize in 1963 for his tireless work towards nuclear disarmament. He had to do no more to be one of the most significant figures of the 20th century. But he didn't stop there. He started giving advice on nutrition and health. (You can see an obituary of Professor Pauling here.)

Let's all have a hearty laughThis is not Professor Pauling's web site. It is all about him and tells us over and over, repetitively and often how great and ignored and suppressed he was. It sells video tapes of Linus Pauling and books by him and some potions which cure things according to his teachings (although it does mention in fine print that none of the money goes to his estate). Conspiracy theories abound (including the suggestion that the government wants the site removed). This is actually a metaloon site - the authors are obsessed with someone else's obsession.

There is no doubt that Linus Pauling was a great chemist and a great humanitarian. It's a pity that he will be remembered as a great quack. Still, some would say that two out of three ain't bad.

Caduceus - Old snake eyes is back!Dr Jon Whale Ph.D. - Whale Medical added 21 October 1999
Many people would be familiar with the term "assembly point". It's where you go when there is a fire alarm or bomb threat at the office, everyday occurrences here at the Ratbags.Com HQ. It's that part of a car factory where the second-last component is added. (The last, randomly-chosen part is fitted by the dealer three weeks after you buy the car.) It's where you meet your guide for a ten-minute tour of the Louvre or a four-hour inspection of a McDonalds kitchen.

Dr Whale Ph.D has discovered the "assemblage point", indicated by the green dot on the chest of the winged man in the picture. Woe betide you if your I'm pickin' up good vibrations, she's givin' me the excitations, ooh bop bop, good vibrations bop bop assemblage point is not where it should be, because that means your vibrations, chakras and aura are not doing their best for you. Help is at hand, though, because Dr Whale Ph.D has invented a machine to fix things. The machine shines coloured lights on you, and a fine machine it is too, with lots of buttons and flashing lights. This machine cures lots of ailments, but Dr Whale gets a "Must try harder" comment for not curing cancer or AIDS.

(I defer to Dr Whale's expertise about the effects of colour, but the light green text on a light blue background on his web site is very hard for we humans to read. Perhaps Dr Whale should talk to Dr Van Beveren about how vision and eyes work.)

More flowers! What is it with these quacks and flowers?Dr. A. Van Beveren - Biochemist/Physiologist added 13 October 1999
This doctor has a list of all the things he can talk about, and it has more subjects than the Queen of England. He also has lots of degrees, including a Doctor of Philosophy in Clinical Physiology. When I read what he had to say about how the brain and vision systems work, I thought he must have been away the day that these things were covered in his physiology course. Then I found the history of his entire life, and it seems that he was away every day. I have heard of getting a doctorate without actually going to the university. In fact, I received an email just today from someone offering to make me a PhD if I sent some money, so I might get one too. Clinical Anthropology, perhaps, then I too could have my photo taken with a famous Princeton anthropologist (you will have to find this for yourself).

To get the full wonder of the science on this site, go to the page about colour and scroll down until you see the heading "TECHNICAL ASPECTS". By the time you have read to where it says "It has been proven that all cells in all living beings emit biophotons in a vibrational field which encompasses not just every organism but every order of magnitude in that organism beginning with the molecular level on up", your Supra-Chiasmatic Nuclei and Geniculo-Hypothalamic Tract should be suitably rhythmic.

Flap, flap, flappity flap!Aura-Soma added 13 October 1999

This is not really a mad scientist site, but I loved the idea of butterfly essence. I have this mental picture of someone trying to shovel thousands of colourful flapping insects into a vat so that they can distil the essence from them.

I can't find the butterfly essence page any more, but it has got even better! You can now buy quintessences from this place! Be still, my beating heart. PB January 2003

Wake up and smell the ... (what are these things?)Alternative Medicine by Dr. Bertha L. Veronneau added 6 October 1999
Do you remember the science you learnt at school? It doesn't matter if you have forgotten it, because it was probably all wrong. For example, did you know that the heart has seven ventricles and pumps air? I'll bet you thought those models of molecules you see in museums are just metaphors, but if you look through a microscope you can see real molecules, and they have little red, blue and black dots in them. The black dots are metals. Did you know that the liver chews things and then sends kelp or alfalfa to the thyroid gland and penicillin to the salivary glands?

I know this one - it's a hibiscus.I could go on and on with these revelations, but it is better if you read it yourself. I thought of highlighting the best parts but there are just too many. Dr Veronneau was awarded a prize named after Dr Albert Schweitzer for a lecture she gave on "The DNA of Blood", but I can only assume she spoke in Finnish and they listened in German. She does approve of coffee, though, so I will go and make a cup. My ventricles could do with a jolt to get them breathing and purifying again.

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