Quintessence of the Loon

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Loon of the Month

It gets harder all the time to pick a Loon of the Month. I was quite taken with the idea of spontaneous invisibility because it would be really handy if I get pulled over by the cops and they want to ask me about the herbal substances in my CD player, but the prize just had to go to the DNA recoding. I've been practising on my cat to see if I can turn her into a python. I'm still having trouble getting the fur to turn into scales, but at least I've got her shedding her whole skin at once so I don't sneeze as much as I used to.
This must be the planet Nibiru.The Nibiruan Council added 28 February 2000
I can only quote from the site to tell you what this is about: "This website was created at the request of the 9D Nibiruan Council (the Ancient Ones) for those who seek the higher perspective of compassion. It was created for those seeking to recode their DNA, ascend and to help others to the same." Recode your DNA? I like the idea. I also like the idea of beings coming from somewhere else (another planet, another galaxy, another universe?) to help us get our chromosomes in tip-top shape.

Nibiru - a government photo of it (them?) entering our solar system.I got to thinking about how I would like to recode my DNA and whose DNA I would like to recode it with. I decided to put my thoughts to music. Students of ephemera may remember that massive hit song of 1999, Mambo #5. Here is the chorus from my version, Genome #9. (Click here for a midi file to sing along with.)

A little bit of Coltrane, I can blow,
A little bit of Einstein lets me know,
A little bit of Ali in the ring,
A little bit of Elvis makes me sing,
A little bit of Bill Gates' MasterCard,
A little bit of Arnie (lose the lard),
A little bit of Nureyev in my dance,
A little bit of E. Flynn in my pants.

Imagine if Maria Callas and Jimi Hendrix had made music together...Gensong added 23 February 2000
Here's something a bit different. Everybody has heard about taking herbs for various things. The problem with herbs is that they don't always taste good and some might even be bad for you or might make you break out in a rash or an aria from I Pagliacci. What has been needed is a safe method of delivering the advantages of herbs without the side effects. Well, here it is. This site has the sounds of herbs on it and you can even buy a CD with a pharmacopoeia on it. You can listen to Ginkgo Biloba here, or something described as "Cold and Flu". (You might need RealOne Player for these.)

The real question for me is why someone doesn't get a whale to sing the songs. Surely this would make the magic more powerful. On second thoughts, does it need to be more powerful? Imagine listening to this on your Walkman in the bus on the way to work when the herbal Viagra music comes on...

(Another question: Why do people from the USA pronounce "herb" without the "h"?)

Now you see me! Now you don't!Human Spontaneous Involuntary Invisibility added 13 February 2000
Donna Higbee reckons that people can become invisible. Not just go invisible while being abducted by aliens (everyone knows that you can't be seen while you are away at the probatorium being checked and mated), but just disappear while going about their normal business. Ms Higbee's research has shown that this phenomenon is known to both the Rosicrucians and the Masons, and I can see why it would be a very useful ability to have if you belonged to a secret society. The problem isn't, of course, going invisible when you set off for Lodge, but when it just happens without you knowing about it. One minute you're frosting a cake and the next minute the kitchen looks empty except for the words "Happy Birthday" appearing in pink handwriting. Like the site says, spontaneous and involuntary.

Ms Higbee gives some nice examples of the phenomenon. There's Peter who went to the toilet at a party and left the next person waiting in line because she didn't see him come out, and Jannise who got arrested but then disappeared back at the station. I have to take issue with one anecdote, though. Vera claims she went invisible while waiting in line at the post office. Come on Vera, everyone feels invisible in a queue at the post office.

Language Studies added 13 February 2000
We sometimes forget that not everyone speaks English, so I have included some foreign language lessons to remind us all that there is more than one way to say something.

Gillian Anderson - how many ways can you say that name?Gillian Anderson Is Beautiful
Paul Simon told us that there are 50 ways to leave your lover. This site tells us how many ways there are to express our feelings for the world's most popular alien chaser.

The Bible in Pig Latin
I didn't believe it either. This is apparently the 319th translation of the complete Bible (actually it's a metatranslation of the KJV). The original said "There's a time for every purpose under Heaven", but I wonder if whoever wrote that thought there would ever be time for this purpose. (Note: the links on this site are wrong - you have to click on Ohn-jay to get Enesis-gay.)

nuqjatlh?  qaStaH nuq? jIyajbe' The Klingon Language Institute
You would imagine that there are enough languages around for people to learn. Ones where you might actually meet a native speaker one day or where there is a possibility that you might visit the place where the language comes from and need to ask directions to McDonalds or the airport. Here's a language that was made up in case a TV program comes to life and we need to talk to the characters. I'm a hopeless linguist, so I was really lucky that the aliens that came out of my TV could speak English (they only needed three words: "bend", "insert", and "good").

(Someone told me once that Klingon is discussed, and even taught, in universities. If the world goes this mad, how will I distinguish the loons from the rest?)

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