Popery added 30 March
I try to stay away from religious matters here
at Quintessence of the Loon. The muckrakers along the corridor at
The Millenium Project
look after the bigots and faith healers, and the ones who sing and
pray aren't usually much loonier than, say, a conclave of hog-belly
futures traders. My attention was caught, however, when I saw Pope
John Paul II on the television, apparently on a pilgrimage to the
Holy Land. (Oh, how I wish he had taken the logical path when succeeding
Pope John Paul and taken the name "George Ringo".) He
looked old and frail, but he didn't look dead. But if he is not
dead, how can there be another Pope? Or two?
Holiness Pope Gregory XVII
This is a bit of a mystery
to me. It seems that this pontiff was made Pope in 1978 on the death
of Paul VI. It seems he is blind. Or was blind once. The site talks
about how he died by crucifixion, but doesn't say when, where, or
how much people had to pay to watch. The web site says it was last
updated in 1980, but the web didn't exist until about 1994. Was
this site created as a prophecy before there was even a web to look
at it with in an attempt to establish a miracle and therefore qualify
for canonisation? I can just imagine the Devil's Advocate (a much
better title than "Promoter of the Faith") putting in
his report: "I looked him up under "Popes" at Yahoo!
and found his web site, but it has not been updated for many years.
This is truly a great sin. And it is at Geocities, although one
could argue that this is mere venial sin."
Holiness Pope Pius XIII
This Pope was appointed (elected?)
in October 1998, and succeeded Pius XII who died in 1958. Now I'm
really confused. We appear to have a plethora of Popes here, all
starting in the job at different times and all succeeding different
other Popes, and at least two of them alive at the moment and the
other one a possibility. What's a Catholic to do? I have to congratulate
this Pope on the quality of his web site. It looks very good and
appears to contain much dogma and matters of interest to the faithful,
although I think just sneaking in a "by the way, I'm a Pope"
link is being overly modest. I can't vouch for the theology on the
site as there has been a formal rift between my family and the Holy
See ever since my sainted grandmother physically threw a priest
down her front steps.
Academy of Science added 26 March 2000
"The Unarius Educational Foundation provides information
about the evolutionary design of life, the physics describing the
mind and brain/body system, explaining the nature of consciousness
substantiated by an interdimensional science of life."
When I first read that, I didn't really understand what it meant.
I cast my mind back to when I studied linguistics, trying to find
the verbs. I considered the advice of those great philosophers,
Plant and Page, who reminded us that "sometimes words have
two meanings", but still the sense eluded me. I ran it back
to Martian and then again into English using AltaVista's Babelfish
translator, but all I got was a CokeŽ slogan and a voucher for 100
hours free Internet access. Remembering that I was born on an equinox
a few months after a serious UFO sighting, I asked my mother what
it meant but she just told me not to be silly and then looked wistfully
into the distance. I felt alone, vulnerable, confused. But next
year will be better. Then we will know the truth.
Loon of the Month
Loon of the Month was difficult this month. I was originally
drawn to one or other of the Popes, just because declaring
yourself to be the spiritual leader of several hundred million
people who already think they have a leader is a mark of
true loonity. Most would just start a new religion. I liked
the way the Unarians and the Qalabahians used language to
get their points across. I decided the award just had to
go to the anti-gravity theory because the patent has been
accepted. Quintessential loons crave acceptance, and a patent
trumps a self-published book any time.
Then I had a mental image of a field with people walking
across it, each holding something in his hand. There is
a loud noise, followed by faint plopping and splattering
sounds. A blackened and twisted coathanger falls with a
clatter near my feet, and a person next to me makes a mark
on a clipboard and says: "Found another one".
Dowsing / Divining for Landmines using a
Pendulum added 26 March 2000
What's your job like? Do you say to your wife "I'll
be home a bit after five, dear, and another bit later and
some more bits tomorrow"? Does everyone go down to
the pub and get legless after work on Friday to relieve
the stress? When the boss gives an order, do you hop to
it? Does "banging your secretary" mean a form
of harassment, an office romance, or staff training? Do
you have part-time workers, and, if so, which parts of them
come to work? I think I'll stick to the job I've got, thank
you. It's better than sticking to all your workmates.
by Mallukh AHI added 19 March 2000
To be honest, I don't think I had ever heard of Qalabah before today.
Then again, I get surprised every day by something I don't know,
but maybe I had come across the concept before under a different
name. You know how these New Agers are, spelling things differently
all the time - "chi" one day and "qi" the next,
for example. To show you what the site is about, consider this (from
the page headed "Seed-Tree-Fruit): "The AHIH formula
is basically the same as AHI, the only difference being that AHIH
emphasises the cyclic nature of AHI. The final Ha (i.e. H2)
of AHIH2 symbolises the husk from which the new generation
of Aleph-seed is released for the next cycle of creation. In Hebrew
the letter 'Ha' is spelled HA ~ that is, Ha-Aleph, showing us that
Ha contains the emerging Aleph-inspiration that will impulse and
empower the next round of creativity. So in effect the formula unfolds:
HA-H-I-HA-H-I...etc." Now, who could argue with that? In
the back of my mind I heard an emergence of Aleph-inspirations going
HA-HA-HA, so maybe I did understand it after all.
Gates added 19 March 2000
We knew he was bad. Now we know how bad. You will probably not be
able to see this site using Internet Explorer, such is the power
of this man. Did I say "man"? Have you had a look at Windows
2000 yet? The security system requires you to have a little barcode
on your forehead, the installation program says "Allow me to
introduce myself", and then there's that smell when you open
the CD cover. Brimstone, if I'm not mistaken.
is a PUSH! added 11 march 2000
Everyone has seen a wall where some wit has proudly written "Gravity
sucks", as though nobody had ever thought of such cleverness
before. Some people criticise graffiti artists for doing the same
thing over and over repeatedly and therefore showing a lack of imagination,
unlike, say Andy Warhol, Roy Lichtenstein or Claude Monet. Nobody
could accuse the owner of this site of lack of imagination. He has
thought up a refutation of 20th century physics. Not only that,
but he has refuted the graffitists and given us a new slogan: "Gravity
blows!" Well, he says "push" but I like the symmetry
of "sucks/blows". Even people more skilled in physics
than I (and there are lots of them) will be impressed by the intellectual
quality of this patent which proposes a method of keeping satellites
in orbit by using the push of the Earth's gravity. At least I think
that's what it says. I was repelled by the maths, or maybe that
was just gravity working.
(In case you think this is not real, you can check the
US Patent Office.
I did. Patent
to Toilet-Train Your Cat added 11 March
Back in April 1999 I mentioned someone who
was selling diapers for dogs. That's all very well, but wouldn't
it be better if your companion animals could look after themselves
without making a mess or needing human intervention? The Egyptians
used to worship cats and thought they were royalty. You might not
be able to make your cat into a king or a queen, but you can certainly
get them up on the throne. When I suggested this to my cat she gave
me one of those cat looks that let you know that they know that
they know more than you. We are still working on it, but I am having
difficulties teaching her how to flush the toilet and she is having
trouble turning the tap on to wash her paws afterwards. At least
I have stopped her trying to dig a little hole in the water first.
Neti added 4 March 2000
the picture gives it away. This is a site about nose irrigation.
I didn't believe it at first, but then I thought about it for a
while. Then I stopped thinking about it because I noticed that I
had stopped breathing. The really fascinating thing about this site
is trying to imagine how someone came up with the idea in the first
place. Even if you thought it was a good idea, what would you have
used before the little nose can had been invented? A watering can
with the sprinkler taken off? A teapot? Surely not your colonic
irrigator? No, it couldn't be that!
I wonder about the recommendation to use this technique for relaxation.
I don't know about you, but I would find it a bit hard to relax
with a couple of litres of sea water up my nose.
Unfortunately they don't sell the nose cans at this site
any more, but you can get
glass ones here.
at the Pub added 4 March 2000
Australian pagans? In a pub? Not possible, I hear you say. Well,
let me tell you, I have seen the evidence. The pub these people
meet in near my place is in a business district that is infested
with advertising types and software people. If you go into the pub
you can find people there who do not have earrings and are not wearing
running shoes. Who are they if not pagans? Bank managers? School
principals? Mormons? I think not. Even the Salvation Army lady puts
Nikes on to go in and rattle the collection box on Friday nights,
but nobody ever gives her any money or buys the War Cry.
An evil place, and the beer isn't cold enough.