Quintessence of the Loon

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Previous monthNext monthOctober 2000 - The Crackers Quackers

This October special edition is devoted to the madder fringes of alternative medicine. Sometimes there is a level of loonity that requires special attention and the criterion for being included here is "so mad they think the moon howls back at them". (You can see more alternative medicine and quackery at The Millenium Project.)

Loon of the Month

 With such quality, it was always going to be difficult to choose a Loon of the Month from among these fine curers of all that ails us. As the month progressed I kept thinking about it. I was attuned early on, but the brain transplanters made me change my mind. I looked into the future and thought I could see the answer in a horse's eye, but after I chewed it over I got some relief from the urine therapists. I decided I had seen the light and then the herbal sensations people made it all too hard again. Finally, I had to go with the parasites. The idea just kept gnawing at my brain until I gave in.
Not just a pretty face!Parasites Within You added 31 October 2000
There used to be a saying "You are what you eat". Here's living proof that if you are not careful, you are what is eaten. You know how head scratching is contagious, and your scalp gets itchy just hearing about a lice outbreak at the kids' school? Well, this site will make you itchy on the inside. Just think, as you lie there in bed tonight and you feel your legs twitch a little before you go to sleep, that it might not be just some nerves firing off at random but a host of small animals relocating themselves within your body. That gurgle noise you hear from your stomach when it's dinner time is really crowd noise as creatures gather for the feast. I will have to stop now, this is making my skin crawl. At least, I think it's my skin that's doing the crawling.

Oh, oh, oh ... I'm in paradise!!Extra
Herbal Sensations added 31 October 2000

What can I say? Last month I talked about the Olympic Games, where everyone tries to be higher, swifter and stronger. Here, everyone just wants to be longer, longer and slower. I'll have what he's having and I'm so glad there are no chemicals in it.

A glowing testimonial.Spectrum Bioscience - Close-to-Nature Medicine added 31 October 2000
When I was a very young person, my apple-cheeked grandmother used to say that I glowed with rude good health. I never found out what she meant by the "rude" bit, but now I find that science has caught up with the glowing. Here is a laboratory which can make your blood cells glow in the dark. That would be pretty useful for them, because it's quite dark inside the veins and arteries. Of course, blood cells don't have any eyes so maybe all that light might not be as useful as you would think, but it must help. I didn't go into the science at this site, so I don't know whether they got the glowing stuff from glow-worms or they used tincture of very-deep-sea fish.

Doesn't this picture wet your appetite?Complete Guide to Urine Therapy added 28 October 2000
It's a real nuisance when you need to get some pharmaceutical supplies late at night and the shop's closed. Of course, the inconvenience level depends on what you wanted to buy and what you planned to do with it, but we are talking about medical emergencies here. If it is something minor then perhaps it can wait, but if you have just discovered, for example, that your hippocampus is inflamed then something needs to be done real quick. Similarly, it is discouraging to turn up at the ER with a raging case of hangnail only to find that the victims of an explosion at a pickle factory are getting all the attention. Isn't it lucky, then, that you can carry a first aid kit around with you all the time? Not only that you can do it, but that you do do it. I'm relieved.

Waiter, there's a fly on my stinkhorn mushroom.The Paleolithic Diet Page added 28 October 2000
There are diets and there are diets. Here is a place where you can find out how to eat like a wombat, an Australian marsupial which is legendary in the dieting business because of the way it eats roots and leaves. You have to be very careful, because I have found out that sometimes you can be tricked into eating things that are actually neolithic, not really paleolithic. How gross!

Have a non-riotous flight.Herban Essentials for Urban Disorders added 28 October 2000
Have you ever wondered what you would do if a riot broke out in your street? I know I have, and it has always worried me that if such a thing happened there would be great danger to life and property. Lawns could get trampled, swimming pools could get filled with looters, and you have no idea what tear gas does to the paint finish on a Lexus or BMW. Now I believe I have found the answer. Here is the protection we law-abiding citizens have been looking for - something to treat urban disorders. The amazing thing is it is all done with moist towelettes, like the ones you get with finger-lickin' snacks. There's even some wipes to help you get over fear of flying, although I rarely notice any urban disorder on the airlines I use. Maybe they issue these towels with the peanuts.

This will straighten out your id and ego. Cop that, Freud!A PANACEA? Software That Can Eradicate Undesired Emotions added 20 October 2000
It had to come. Alternative psychiatry. No cure for cancer, AIDS or acne here, just a cure for emotional problems. And not just any old cure, either, but a complete revolution in the way the mind is managed. There is even some software that helps with this. And, what's more, this is the web's number 1 web site. It must be true, because it says it on the site and everyone knows that anything you read on the Internet is true, especially advice about health.

Thar she blows!Extra
Blow up the FDA added 20 October 2000

Here's someone who knows what he wants. We all know that the FDA (and the equivalent malevolent bureaucracy in other countries) just exists to prevent ordinary citizens from getting the eleven herbs and spices that they need for perfect wellness and to promote the products (and profits) of the multinational pharmaceutical companies who were all Nazi collaborators in the war and who would grind up your children and sell them as rejuvenating cream if they could get away with it except that ground babies is an alternative medicine for the treatment of psoriasis and so the FDA won't let anyone sell it.

Never ask an Australian to show you his root chakra.Free Pranic Health & Healing Guide Pranic Music & Feng Shui Screen Saver added 20 October 2000
Don't you just hate it when your chakras get discombobulated and panic takes over from pranic? Sometimes I just sit there on the floor with my ankles behind my shoulders wondering how I got that way (and how I am going to get back). I am really pleased about this site because it tells me that there is hope. I have been using the screen saver for 27 minutes every day and already I feel energised. It is very important, however, to follow the instructions carefully. When you have finished energising, this is what you must do: "Re-check by scanning, and cleanse again hot areas - and re-energise cooler individual chakra centres. When finished - Shake your hands clean - Throw the imaginary bucket of dirty energy into a body of water to ground it." I forgot to do this once and the dirty energy got stuck in my beard and it was worse than chewing gum to get out.

The site owner became relaxed while listening to the pranic music, then the screen saver came on. But what was the password to get back to the main screen? We will never know. PB October 2001

Pippin's eye - here's lookin' at ya, kid!The Herb Farm - Equine Iridology added 13 October 2000
I have spent a lot of time around racehorses. They are are delicate animals, so delicate in fact that the merest hint of the weight of my money on their backs can cause them to run slower than usual. Like most gamblers, sorry, track investors, I like to go down to the saddling enclosure to check out the withers, hocks, fetlocks, gaskins and croups, and after I have inspected the jockeys I look at the horses. I must admit that I have never paid much attention to horses' eyes, except for those times when one of the animals gives me one of those superior, baleful looks to remind me that when I am walking home because I don't have bus fare, he will be riding in an air-conditioned van. Not to mention how each of us are going to spend our retirement years. Things are going to be different now that I have found this site, because I will be able to look into a horse's eyes and see the true condition of his crest, poll, chestnuts, dock, sheath, ergots, stifles and coronets. Then I'll be the one smiling when the winnings are handed out.

Smiling at you across timeDr Bruce Goldberg - The Hypnotist added 13 October 2000
Dr Bruce used to be a dentist, but he got tired of flossing the fangs, mercurising the molars, drilling the dentine and excising the incisors so he took the obvious next step for a dentist and became a hypnotist. You might not think that there's a connection between hypnotherapy and dentistry, but the link is plain. A hypnotist looks closely into your eyes, tells you to relax and be still, and then makes your spirit float around and go somewhere else. A dentist looks closely into your eyes, tells you to relax and be still, and then talks to the nurse about his BMW as if you are somewhere else. Dr Bruce is a very good hypnotist, too, because not only can he heal things but he can make you live forever. He can see into the future and even send you there. He must have confidence in his healing powers, because his patients would be mightily annoyed if he future progressed them and they found out that they weren't going to get well.

This is my new patternHolographic Repatterning added 6 October 2000
You've got yourself all aligned and attuned, you've taken the herbal supplements, you've had your lettuce enema, you've lined up all your crystals according to the feng shui book, but you still feel out of sorts. I know the feeling, and now I have found the answer. It is Holographic Repatterning, and it is a method of reconfiguring your mind, body and spirit into complete harmony. At first I thought it might be a bit suspect because I had heard that holograms had something to do with lasers and science and all that, but I was soon reassured when my coherence was enhanced as my chaos moved to a new state of order.

I want one of these!!Extra
Brain Transplantation added 6 October 2000

Please tell me this is a hoax. There is only so much my mind can take in before it lapses into unconciseness. If I had $499,000 (less 10% for booking early) I would put myself on the waiting list.

Sadly, this site has developed anencephalia. I will just have to make do with the brain I have. PB July 2007

Reiki coming at you from a distance ...Distant Attunements added 7 October 2000
I was down at the reikist the other day having my chakras attuned when the conversation turned to a paradox in the balance of energy flow of the universe. Here I was getting things aligned and harmonised, but I was probably only replacing the lost energy and karma which my car had used to get me to the attunatorium. I still had to drive back home, and things could get even worse if I got stuck in front of a road rager at the lights or behind a Volvo anywhere. It all seemed so wasteful and useless, and we decided to worry about it later. Actually, we did a bit more attuning and decided not to worry about it at all. Then I found this site, and my problems are solved. Now I can get attuned distantly. I am a bit worried that the clairvoyants have suggested that distant reiki might not have all the vibrations, but I am sure the wrinkles can be ironed out.

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