This October special edition is devoted to
the madder fringes of alternative medicine. Sometimes there is a
level of loonity that requires special attention and the criterion
for being included here is "so mad they think the moon howls
back at them". (You can see more alternative medicine and quackery
Loon of the Month
| With such
quality, it was always going to be difficult to choose a
Loon of the Month from among these fine curers of all that
ails us. As the month progressed I kept thinking about it.
I was attuned early on, but the brain transplanters made
me change my mind. I looked into the future and thought
I could see the answer in a horse's eye, but after I chewed
it over I got some relief from the urine therapists. I decided
I had seen the light and then the herbal sensations people
made it all too hard again. Finally, I had to go with the
parasites. The idea just kept gnawing at my brain until
I gave in.
Within You added 31 October 2000
There used to be a saying "You are what you eat".
Here's living proof that if you are not careful, you are
what is eaten. You know how head scratching is contagious,
and your scalp gets itchy just hearing about a lice outbreak
at the kids' school? Well, this site will make you itchy
on the inside. Just think, as you lie there in bed tonight
and you feel your legs twitch a little before you go to
sleep, that it might not be just some nerves firing off
at random but a host of small animals relocating themselves
within your body. That gurgle noise you hear from your stomach
when it's dinner time is really crowd noise as creatures
gather for the feast. I will have to stop now, this is making
my skin crawl. At least, I think it's my skin that's doing
Herbal Sensations added
31 October 2000
What can I say? Last month I talked
about the Olympic Games, where everyone tries to be higher, swifter
and stronger. Here, everyone just wants to be longer, longer and
slower. I'll have what he's having and I'm so glad there are no
chemicals in it.
Bioscience - Close-to-Nature Medicine added
31 October 2000
When I was a very young person,
my apple-cheeked grandmother used to say that I glowed with rude
good health. I never found out what she meant by the "rude"
bit, but now I find that science has caught up with the glowing.
Here is a laboratory which can make your blood cells glow in the
dark. That would be pretty useful for them, because it's quite dark
inside the veins and arteries. Of course, blood cells don't have
any eyes so maybe all that light might not be as useful as you would
think, but it must help. I didn't go into the science at this site,
so I don't know whether they got the glowing stuff from glow-worms
or they used tincture of very-deep-sea fish.
Guide to Urine Therapy added 28 October
It's a real nuisance when you need to get
some pharmaceutical supplies late at night and the shop's closed.
Of course, the inconvenience level depends on what you wanted to
buy and what you planned to do with it, but we are talking about
medical emergencies here. If it is something minor then perhaps
it can wait, but if you have just discovered, for example, that
your hippocampus is inflamed then something needs to be done real
quick. Similarly, it is discouraging to turn up at the ER with a
raging case of hangnail only to find that the victims of an explosion
at a pickle factory are getting all the attention. Isn't it lucky,
then, that you can carry a first aid kit around with you all the
time? Not only that you can do it, but that you do
do it. I'm relieved.
Paleolithic Diet Page added 28 October
There are diets and there are diets. Here
is a place where you can find out how to eat like a wombat, an Australian
marsupial which is legendary in the dieting business because of
the way it eats roots and leaves. You have to be very careful, because
I have found out that sometimes you can be tricked into eating things
that are actually neolithic, not really paleolithic. How gross!
Essentials for Urban Disorders added 28
Have you ever wondered what you would
do if a riot broke out in your street? I know I have, and it has
always worried me that if such a thing happened there would be great
danger to life and property. Lawns could get trampled, swimming
pools could get filled with looters, and you have no idea what tear
gas does to the paint finish on a Lexus or BMW. Now I believe I
have found the answer. Here is the protection we law-abiding citizens
have been looking for - something to treat urban disorders. The
amazing thing is it is all done with moist towelettes, like the
ones you get with finger-lickin' snacks. There's even some wipes
to help you get over fear of flying, although I rarely notice any
urban disorder on the airlines I use. Maybe they issue these towels
with the peanuts.
PANACEA? Software That Can Eradicate Undesired Emotions
added 20 October 2000
It had to come. Alternative psychiatry. No cure for cancer,
AIDS or acne here, just a cure for emotional problems. And not just
any old cure, either, but a complete revolution in the way the mind
is managed. There is even some software that helps with this. And,
what's more, this is the web's number 1 web site. It must be true,
because it says it on the site and everyone knows that anything
you read on the Internet is true, especially advice about health.
Blow up the FDA added 20
Here's someone who knows what he
wants. We all know that the FDA (and the equivalent malevolent bureaucracy
in other countries) just exists to prevent ordinary citizens from
getting the eleven herbs and spices that they need for perfect wellness
and to promote the products (and profits) of the multinational pharmaceutical
companies who were all Nazi collaborators in the war and who would
grind up your children and sell them as rejuvenating cream if they
could get away with it except that ground babies is an alternative
medicine for the treatment of psoriasis and so the FDA won't let
anyone sell it.
Pranic Health & Healing Guide Pranic Music & Feng Shui Screen
Saver added 20 October 2000
Don't you just hate it when your chakras get discombobulated and
panic takes over from pranic? Sometimes I just sit there on the
floor with my ankles behind my shoulders wondering how I got that
way (and how I am going to get back). I am really pleased about
this site because it tells me that there is hope. I have been using
the screen saver for 27 minutes every day and already I feel energised.
It is very important, however, to follow the instructions carefully.
When you have finished energising, this is what you must do: "Re-check
by scanning, and cleanse again hot areas - and re-energise cooler
individual chakra centres. When finished - Shake your hands clean
- Throw the imaginary bucket of dirty energy into a body of water
to ground it." I forgot to do this once and the dirty energy
got stuck in my beard and it was worse than chewing gum to get out.
The site owner became relaxed while listening to the pranic
music, then the screen saver came on. But what was the password
to get back to the main screen? We will never know.
PB October 2001
Herb Farm - Equine Iridology added 13 October
I have spent a lot of time around racehorses.
They are are delicate animals, so delicate in fact that the merest
hint of the weight of my money on their backs can cause them to
run slower than usual. Like most gamblers, sorry, track investors,
I like to go down to the saddling enclosure to check out the withers,
hocks, fetlocks, gaskins and croups, and after I have inspected
the jockeys I look at the horses. I must admit that I have never
paid much attention to horses' eyes, except for those times when
one of the animals gives me one of those superior, baleful looks
to remind me that when I am walking home because I don't have bus
fare, he will be riding in an air-conditioned van. Not to mention
how each of us are going to spend our retirement years. Things are
going to be different now that I have found this site, because I
will be able to look into a horse's eyes and see the true condition
of his crest, poll, chestnuts, dock, sheath, ergots, stifles and
coronets. Then I'll be the one smiling when the winnings are handed
Bruce Goldberg - The Hypnotist added 13
Dr Bruce used to be a dentist, but
he got tired of flossing the fangs, mercurising the molars, drilling
the dentine and excising the incisors so he took the obvious next
step for a dentist and became a hypnotist. You might not think that
there's a connection between hypnotherapy and dentistry, but the
link is plain. A hypnotist looks closely into your eyes, tells you
to relax and be still, and then makes your spirit float around and
go somewhere else. A dentist looks closely into your eyes, tells
you to relax and be still, and then talks to the nurse about his
BMW as if you are somewhere else. Dr Bruce is a very good hypnotist,
too, because not only can he heal things but he can make you live
forever. He can see into the future and even send you there. He
must have confidence in his healing powers, because his patients
would be mightily annoyed if he future progressed them and they
found out that they weren't going to get well.
Repatterning added 6 October 2000
You've got yourself all aligned and attuned, you've taken the herbal
supplements, you've had your lettuce enema, you've lined up all
your crystals according to the feng shui book, but you still feel
out of sorts. I know the feeling, and now I have found the answer.
It is Holographic Repatterning, and it is a method of reconfiguring
your mind, body and spirit into complete harmony. At first I thought
it might be a bit suspect because I had heard that holograms had
something to do with lasers and science and all that, but I was
soon reassured when my coherence was enhanced as my chaos moved
to a new state of order.
Brain Transplantation added
6 October 2000
Please tell me this is a hoax.
There is only so much my mind can take in before it lapses into
unconciseness. If I had $499,000 (less 10% for booking early) I
would put myself on the waiting list.
Sadly, this site has developed anencephalia.
I will just have to make do with the brain I have.
Attunements added 7 October 2000
I was down at the reikist the other day having my chakras attuned
when the conversation turned to a paradox in the balance of energy
flow of the universe. Here I was getting things aligned and harmonised,
but I was probably only replacing the lost energy and karma which
my car had used to get me to the attunatorium. I still had to drive
back home, and things could get even worse if I got stuck in front
of a road rager at the lights or behind a Volvo anywhere. It all
seemed so wasteful and useless, and we decided to worry about it
later. Actually, we did a bit more attuning and decided not to worry
about it at all. Then I found this site, and my problems are solved.
Now I can get attuned distantly. I am a bit worried that the clairvoyants
have suggested that distant reiki might not have all the vibrations,
but I am sure the wrinkles can be ironed out.