Research Society added 28 February
There's nothing quite like taking a scientific
approach to the investigation of the mysteries of the universe.
I have proposed an experiment to the Vampire Research Society and
expect funding to arrive any day now. The experiment will be to
determine whether a silver bullet or a stake through the heart is
the best way to kill a vampire. There will be four test conditions
(lead bullet, silver bullet, wooden stake, metal spike) and the
subjects will consist of equal numbers of vampires and non-vampires
to detect any effect of vampirism itself. This will give eight test
cells and the investigation will be blinded as well as it can be
(it is a bit hard to not know whether you are being shot or impaled).
Volunteers are required. Subjects will be paid a small fee or, if
students, may opt to have a course credit instead. Due to problems
in locating the heart, lawyers will not be accepted as subjects.
Astrology added 28 February 2001
My mother, my wife, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, two of my
cousins and I have birthdays within a couple of weeks and all have
the same star sign. I had always known how effective astrology was
by the fact that our lives always moved in lock-step. We all had
car accidents on the same day, all won the lottery on the same day,
all lost our watches on the same day. We also all got married (although
not on the same day, except for two of us) and we all got a year
older each September. Nothing remarkable so far, because the astrology
columns in the newspapers predicted all this. We had always suspected
that astrology affected our health, because we used to all get sick
on the same day too. Now there is comprehensive proof of the effect
of astrology on health. You can see the quality of this site from
the following quote: "He called them "transneptune"
planets, because in 1914, Neptune and Pluto had not yet been spotted
or identified by astronomers, so the planet farthest from the Sun
was Neptune". Think about it.
Plantlife Project added 28 February
I think I have to let this site speak for itself.
"True? bizarre and evil tale, documentary video and CD collection
of Ancient Exorcism Music, so called Porno Vampires who call themselves
the "Martian Werewolf Clan" and a rogue team of psychiactric
doctors in rural Pennsylvania Amish country and the Harrisburg State
Mental Institution's involvement in using the illegal powerful horror
trance drug Burundanga for Porn films, Sacrificial Murder and Mind
Control experiments". Something for everyone!
Someone suggested to me that I had been sucked in here
because this is not a loon site but is instead a promotion
for a record. That may be so, but it doesn't stop the
site from meeting all the qualifications of loonity
that make it fit in quite well with everything else
here. PB March 2001
It looks like the aliens got sick of the music and abducted
the site. PB January 2003
Predator added 22 February 2001
You are awakened during the night by an awful noise. It sounds like
a street sweeper moving through a kindergarten and you are too terrified
to bring your head out from under the covers. You know that it can
only be the chupacabra, coming to suck the blood from goats. The
one consoling thing is that you have no goats, so you know it will
pass by your house. In the morning you awake and go outside only
to find that being goatless was no protection, because in its rage
and hunger it has turned its evil intentions towards poultry. Your
yard is littered with feathers, beaks and the pale, bloodless carcasses
of ducks. In the distance there is the faint thwop thwop thwop of
a receding black helicopter. Suddenly, you sense a presence behind
you, and then you feel the hot breath on your neck. The last thought
that goes through your mind is that you have been deceived and trapped.
You had no ducks yesterday.
The original site has been severely suppressed at several
free hosting places. The link now goes to the site of
a major chupacabra researcher. Goats and ducks should
still be wary. PB October 2003
first human cloning company added 22 February
Do you ever get so busy you wish there were
two of you? I know I do. I have to make all these web sites, go
to work, read trashy novels, drink fermented beverages, watch television,
feed and groom the pet funnel-web spiders, and still find time to
engage in witty conversation. I got so busy at work once that I
put on a boy just to drink coffee for me. (I was glad that I had
given up smoking, or I would have needed another assistant to do
that as well.) Now I find this web site offering cloning services
and it looks to be just what I need. I asked my family what they
thought about having a second me around the house but they all screamed
and ran into the yard, so I don't know how they feel about the idea
yet. Then I noticed that this site is associated with RaŽl, who
tells us that extraterrestrials came here and made clones. I remembered
that I was born on the equinox following a major UFO sighting so
I rang my mother, but, after a pause, she denied knowing any RaŽl.
Or any extraterrestrials.
electric pole shrine 2001 added 22 February
On the background page, I mention that magnificent
obsessions are candidates for listing here. What obsession could
be more magnificent than this? Some people seek power. This person
seeks power poles. I used to think that I was a bit of an aficionado
of power poles myself. There is a wonderful example growing right
outside my place. It has some wires that bring the volts to make
my lights light up, and at the very top are some more wires with
lots of volts for some other purpose that I don't know anything
about. There are wires that bring the cable television and connect
my computer to everywhere. At election times there are pictures
of villains, and one of life's great pleasures is to sit in a garden
chair on Saturday night and watch louts in noisy cars crash into
the pole. I should take a photograph and send it to the shrine.
Voluntary Human Extinction Movement added
15 February 2001
At first I put this into the
Too Good To Be True category, but an awful lot of work has gone
into convincing us that we should all stop breeding and return the
planet to the state it was before humans evolved and immediately
started inventing things like global warming, genetically modified
food, atomic weapons, whale harpoons, daytime television shock shows,
polyester shirts and broccoli. Imagine a time when all the animals
can roam free again without any fear of being eaten (because they
will all return to their natural vegetarian states). Imagine a time
when plants will flower and fruit in a natural rhythm with the needs
of nature and animals. But I see a dark cloud on the horizon. I
see the last two humans meeting in a garden. There is a tree there
with strange, non-genetically modified fruit. One human offers a
piece of this fruit to the other. There is a slithering sound in
the grass, and the humans suddenly feel naked and exposed ...
How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus
100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki
added 15 February 2001
Everyone should write a book at least once. Not everyone's book
will (or should) get published, but this one did. My problem is
that it looks like the title tells the whole story, so I wonder
what is in the 241 pages between the covers. (In reviewing a book
without reading it, I am following a long tradition. I wrote a book
once and when I was out promoting it, more than one radio interviewer
started by saying "I haven't read the book yet, but ..."
and then launched into a discussion of the contents.) I was very
impressed by the author's claim that a 70-year-old man had followed
the procedure and now "can make #### three times in succession
without drawing out". I can't begin to guess what "####"
is, but I would like to be able to put money into the bank three
times without drawing any out.
Explanation added 15 February 2001
In December 2000 I mentioned
someone who was a bit concerned about the number 1111, although
the concern seemed to be about a "leap to the heart chakra
level of consciousness evolution en masse". Further research
into the matter has revealed that perhaps the magic number is related
to angels. I am a bit confused here, but it looks like the angels
and the aliens might be franchising the number to other entities.
I asked a Porsche salesman if the new model was going to be called
the "1111", but he just gave me a sly look, laughed, and
went back to reading "Being and Nothingness" by
Sartre. By the way - this Quintessence update is happening on the
fifteenth day of the month. 1111 is 15 in the binary notation used
- The Ultimate Out-of-Body and Lucid Dream Guide
added 7 February 2001
very strong warning on this site. I says "Violators will be
prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law". I hope I am not
a violator, but you can never be too sure these days. Suneye, who
owns the site, (his name is Joe, but he likes to be called "Suneye")
might float around to my place one night and wrap his silver cord
around my neck. But then I suppose I could just leave my body and
float over to his house and wrap my silver cord around his corporeal
neck. We would have a stalemate, but that's better than waking up
and thinking you are dead and being right. Something puzzles me
about astral travel. How come the experiences are all so sweet and
lovely. Why is it that nobody ever says "I floated out of my
bed down to the gas station and robbed the place with my sawed-off.
The clerk thought I was joking, but he won't be needing that wheelchair
any more." Maybe that's violatition and you could get prosecuted.
It looks like Suneye went a-travellin' and could not
PB March 2002
Theory of Cold Quantum (Counter Gravitation Theory)
added 7 February 2001
I was drawn to this site. It was as if I was being swirled into
a vortex, round and round I go, in a spin, lovin' that spin that
I'm in. Suddenly I was aware that only 10% was hot and the rest
was cold. Then I saw the site, and wondered what language it was
written in. I read it again in the original Mandarin and learnt
no more, perhaps because of the deficiencies in my knowledge of
physics. I approached the proprietor of the local Chinese restaurant
for clarification in case I had missed something, but he just went
inscrutable and asked me if I wanted rice with that. The next day,
however, the pharmacy and the fruit market next to the restaurant
were gone, with only a cold void in their place. Sang choi bow was
no longer on the menu.
Loon of the Month
the Month was quite easy to choose this month, and it
is the first time the award has gone to a government
authority. It just seems to me that issuing a health
warning that things called "eggrolls" may
contain egg is just the sort of thing this site is about.
FIL-AM Specialty Foods Issues Allergy
Alert on Undeclared Egg in Eggrolls
added 7 February 2001
I just thought that you should be warned that there
is egg in eggrolls. Bureaucrats have become involved.
Robot added 7 February 2001
Who could forget that fabulous film from 1981, "Heartbleeps"?
One of the finest pieces of cinema since the invention of Panavision,
this epic seared into our minds the archetype of "robot",
in the same way that "Frankenstein" gave us neck bolts, "The
Wild One" showed us louts and "Babe" made me want
to eat a bacon sandwich. Well, you can forget all the robots you
have seen in films or read about in books by Asimov. Forget about
those sparking things that build cars. Here is real robot research
and it shows us the future. Robots will use computers to stack blocks.
In fact, if you look at the moving pictures on this site, it will
seem that the computers move the blocks by telepathy. Maybe they
use well-trained blocks. Who knows? I know that the information
here is important because people have been breaking in to this web
site and stealing ideas that they can sell for millions of dollars.
[A special thanks to
The Stinkers site for reminding me about "Heartbleeps".]