Quintessence of the Loon

Previous monthNext monthFebruary 2001

Tools of the trade.Vampire Research Society added 28 February 2001
There's nothing quite like taking a scientific approach to the investigation of the mysteries of the universe. I have proposed an experiment to the Vampire Research Society and expect funding to arrive any day now. The experiment will be to determine whether a silver bullet or a stake through the heart is the best way to kill a vampire. There will be four test conditions (lead bullet, silver bullet, wooden stake, metal spike) and the subjects will consist of equal numbers of vampires and non-vampires to detect any effect of vampirism itself. This will give eight test cells and the investigation will be blinded as well as it can be (it is a bit hard to not know whether you are being shot or impaled). Volunteers are required. Subjects will be paid a small fee or, if students, may opt to have a course credit instead. Due to problems in locating the heart, lawyers will not be accepted as subjects.

I know I am well, because the stars always tell.Medical Astrology added 28 February 2001
My mother, my wife, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, two of my cousins and I have birthdays within a couple of weeks and all have the same star sign. I had always known how effective astrology was by the fact that our lives always moved in lock-step. We all had car accidents on the same day, all won the lottery on the same day, all lost our watches on the same day. We also all got married (although not on the same day, except for two of us) and we all got a year older each September. Nothing remarkable so far, because the astrology columns in the newspapers predicted all this. We had always suspected that astrology affected our health, because we used to all get sick on the same day too. Now there is comprehensive proof of the effect of astrology on health. You can see the quality of this site from the following quote: "He called them "transneptune" planets, because in 1914, Neptune and Pluto had not yet been spotted or identified by astronomers, so the planet farthest from the Sun was Neptune". Think about it.

What sort of plant is this?Alien Plantlife Project added 28 February 2001
I think I have to let this site speak for itself. "True? bizarre and evil tale, documentary video and CD collection of Ancient Exorcism Music, so called Porno Vampires who call themselves the "Martian Werewolf Clan" and a rogue team of psychiactric doctors in rural Pennsylvania Amish country and the Harrisburg State Mental Institution's involvement in using the illegal powerful horror trance drug Burundanga for Porn films, Sacrificial Murder and Mind Control experiments". Something for everyone!

Loon update
Someone suggested to me that I had been sucked in here because this is not a loon site but is instead a promotion for a record. That may be so, but it doesn't stop the site from meeting all the qualifications of loonity that make it fit in quite well with everything else here. PB March 2001

It looks like the aliens got sick of the music and abducted the site. PB January 2003

Suck a duck!!Blood Predator added 22 February 2001
You are awakened during the night by an awful noise. It sounds like a street sweeper moving through a kindergarten and you are too terrified to bring your head out from under the covers. You know that it can only be the chupacabra, coming to suck the blood from goats. The one consoling thing is that you have no goats, so you know it will pass by your house. In the morning you awake and go outside only to find that being goatless was no protection, because in its rage and hunger it has turned its evil intentions towards poultry. Your yard is littered with feathers, beaks and the pale, bloodless carcasses of ducks. In the distance there is the faint thwop thwop thwop of a receding black helicopter. Suddenly, you sense a presence behind you, and then you feel the hot breath on your neck. The last thought that goes through your mind is that you have been deceived and trapped. You had no ducks yesterday.

The original site has been severely suppressed at several free hosting places. The link now goes to the site of a major chupacabra researcher. Goats and ducks should still be wary. PB October 2003

Multiplication is the name of the game.The first human cloning company added 22 February 2001
Do you ever get so busy you wish there were two of you? I know I do. I have to make all these web sites, go to work, read trashy novels, drink fermented beverages, watch television, feed and groom the pet funnel-web spiders, and still find time to engage in witty conversation. I got so busy at work once that I put on a boy just to drink coffee for me. (I was glad that I had given up smoking, or I would have needed another assistant to do that as well.) Now I find this web site offering cloning services and it looks to be just what I need. I asked my family what they thought about having a second me around the house but they all screamed and ran into the yard, so I don't know how they feel about the idea yet. Then I noticed that this site is associated with RaŽl, who tells us that extraterrestrials came here and made clones. I remembered that I was born on the equinox following a major UFO sighting so I rang my mother, but, after a pause, she denied knowing any RaŽl. Or any extraterrestrials.

Alas, a dead pole.the electric pole shrine 2001 added 22 February 2001
On the background page, I mention that magnificent obsessions are candidates for listing here. What obsession could be more magnificent than this? Some people seek power. This person seeks power poles. I used to think that I was a bit of an aficionado of power poles myself. There is a wonderful example growing right outside my place. It has some wires that bring the volts to make my lights light up, and at the very top are some more wires with lots of volts for some other purpose that I don't know anything about. There are wires that bring the cable television and connect my computer to everywhere. At election times there are pictures of villains, and one of life's great pleasures is to sit in a garden chair on Saturday night and watch louts in noisy cars crash into the pole. I should take a photograph and send it to the shrine.

Would  the last one out please turn off the apple tree.The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement added 15 February 2001
At first I put this into the Too Good To Be True category, but an awful lot of work has gone into convincing us that we should all stop breeding and return the planet to the state it was before humans evolved and immediately started inventing things like global warming, genetically modified food, atomic weapons, whale harpoons, daytime television shock shows, polyester shirts and broccoli. Imagine a time when all the animals can roam free again without any fear of being eaten (because they will all return to their natural vegetarian states). Imagine a time when plants will flower and fruit in a natural rhythm with the needs of nature and animals. But I see a dark cloud on the horizon. I see the last two humans meeting in a garden. There is a tree there with strange, non-genetically modified fruit. One human offers a piece of this fruit to the other. There is a slithering sound in the grass, and the humans suddenly feel naked and exposed ...

Clench away them blues!Extra!
How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki added 15 February 2001

Everyone should write a book at least once. Not everyone's book will (or should) get published, but this one did. My problem is that it looks like the title tells the whole story, so I wonder what is in the 241 pages between the covers. (In reviewing a book without reading it, I am following a long tradition. I wrote a book once and when I was out promoting it, more than one radio interviewer started by saying "I haven't read the book yet, but ..." and then launched into a discussion of the contents.) I was very impressed by the author's claim that a 70-year-old man had followed the procedure and now "can make #### three times in succession without drawing out". I can't begin to guess what "####" is, but I would like to be able to put money into the bank three times without drawing any out.

How many ones make four?1111 Explanation added 15 February 2001
In December 2000 I mentioned someone who was a bit concerned about the number 1111, although the concern seemed to be about a "leap to the heart chakra level of consciousness evolution en masse". Further research into the matter has revealed that perhaps the magic number is related to angels. I am a bit confused here, but it looks like the angels and the aliens might be franchising the number to other entities. I asked a Porsche salesman if the new model was going to be called the "1111", but he just gave me a sly look, laughed, and went back to reading "Being and Nothingness" by Sartre. By the way - this Quintessence update is happening on the fifteenth day of the month. 1111 is 15 in the binary notation used by computers.

Sun arise, see you in the mornin'SUNEYE - The Ultimate Out-of-Body and Lucid Dream Guide added 7 February 2001
There's a very strong warning on this site. I says "Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law". I hope I am not a violator, but you can never be too sure these days. Suneye, who owns the site, (his name is Joe, but he likes to be called "Suneye") might float around to my place one night and wrap his silver cord around my neck. But then I suppose I could just leave my body and float over to his house and wrap my silver cord around his corporeal neck. We would have a stalemate, but that's better than waking up and thinking you are dead and being right. Something puzzles me about astral travel. How come the experiences are all so sweet and lovely. Why is it that nobody ever says "I floated out of my bed down to the gas station and robbed the place with my sawed-off. The clerk thought I was joking, but he won't be needing that wheelchair any more." Maybe that's violatition and you could get prosecuted.

It looks like Suneye went a-travellin' and could not get back.
PB March 2002

Don't get sucked in by false quantums.The Theory of Cold Quantum (Counter Gravitation Theory) added 7 February 2001
I was drawn to this site. It was as if I was being swirled into a vortex, round and round I go, in a spin, lovin' that spin that I'm in. Suddenly I was aware that only 10% was hot and the rest was cold. Then I saw the site, and wondered what language it was written in. I read it again in the original Mandarin and learnt no more, perhaps because of the deficiencies in my knowledge of physics. I approached the proprietor of the local Chinese restaurant for clarification in case I had missed something, but he just went inscrutable and asked me if I wanted rice with that. The next day, however, the pharmacy and the fruit market next to the restaurant were gone, with only a cold void in their place. Sang choi bow was no longer on the menu.

Loon of the Month

Loon of the Month was quite easy to choose this month, and it is the first time the award has gone to a government authority. It just seems to me that issuing a health warning that things called "eggrolls" may contain egg is just the sort of thing this site is about.
Look out!
FIL-AM Specialty Foods Issues Allergy Alert on Undeclared Egg in Eggrolls added 7 February 2001

I just thought that you should be warned that there is egg in eggrolls. Bureaucrats have become involved.

Look at those pipes!Fractal Robot added 7 February 2001
Who could forget that fabulous film from 1981, "Heartbleeps"? One of the finest pieces of cinema since the invention of Panavision, this epic seared into our minds the archetype of "robot", in the same way that "Frankenstein" gave us neck bolts, "The Wild One" showed us louts and "Babe" made me want to eat a bacon sandwich. Well, you can forget all the robots you have seen in films or read about in books by Asimov. Forget about those sparking things that build cars. Here is real robot research and it shows us the future. Robots will use computers to stack blocks. In fact, if you look at the moving pictures on this site, it will seem that the computers move the blocks by telepathy. Maybe they use well-trained blocks. Who knows? I know that the information here is important because people have been breaking in to this web site and stealing ideas that they can sell for millions of dollars.

[A special thanks to The Stinkers site for reminding me about "Heartbleeps".]

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