Quintessence of the Loon

Previous monthNext monthMarch 2001

Charles JohnsonIt was with great sadness that I noted the death this month of Charles K. Johnson, President of the International Flat Earth Society. Johnson said "We have studied the Earth and found it flat". Vale, Charles Johnson. Your work was an inspiration to the people who make the sites featured here.

Loon of the Month Part 1

I was originally going to give the Loon of the Month award to the soul catcher, just because it seems so quintessentially silly to not be aware that things have shadows and that the shadows are usually on the side away from the sun. Then I discovered the PETA site. If I didn't know that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has more than 100 employees and an income of many millions of dollars per year, I would have thought that the web site was a parody. I have taken the unusual step of awarding the prize to the entire PETA site and organisation. The examples here just give a taste of the madness within.
No wonder Jesus told those apostles to stop fishing.Lettuce Ladies and Jesus Was a Vegetarian added 30 March 2001
Two for the price of one again. It was impossible to pick between these two sites from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I have a vision of what it must be like at PETA headquarters when everyone gathers for the weekly Issues Meeting. Melissa from the canteen reassures everyone that the butter used on the sandwiches only comes from cows milked by milkmaids with warm hands. Jamie from Theology tells of the latest evidence showing that Judas once attended a camel barbeque. Ralph reports on the success of getting the producers to remove the words "how many polyesters had to die to make that shirt" from the new DVD rerelease of Saturday Night Fever. A vote is taken on what sort of animal should replace Fluffy, the recently-deceased office companion rabbit, and the consensus is a stoat. Because of the danger to cockroaches, everyone agrees to join the blockade against the landlord's planned fumigation of the building.

The ghost is obvious when you look closely!Philadelphia Ghost Hunters Alliance added 30 march 2001
My work often requires me to sleep in graveyards and abandoned tunnels, but occasionally nights are spent in large, rambling, deserted houses full of cobwebs and strange creaking noises. (I have been meaning to speak to my boss about the company's travel agent.) I have never been too bothered about ghosts, because I thought that if I didn't believe in them then they would leave me alone. I must admit that sometimes a glowing orb might appear over my shoulder, but this just makes it easier to read the paper. This site has me worried, though, because they seem to be able to photograph ghosts everywhere, and I know these photographs are genuine because they have really strong rules and advice to eliminate fakes and mistakes. I guess I will have to be careful on future business trips if I don't want ectoplasms to watch me getting undressed for bed.

Is this the rapture vehicle?Rapture Ready added 30 March 2001
Jesus said "but of that day and hour knoweth no man", but that hasn't stopped people from looking for signs and making sure that they are ready for the big day when He returns. It's always good to be prepared. This is particularly important if you aren't quite sure what you are preparing for or when it is going to happen. Von Clausewitz is supposed to have said that we should prepare for what others can do, not what they might do, and Shakespeare reminded us that "readiness is all". Good advice from both.

[Some people thought that the Rapture would come on 1 January 2000. I checked with an authoritative source on that day and received some discouraging news, which you can see here.]

Watch out for Cupid's probe.Alien Love Bite added 22 March 2001
Here's another book that I haven't read but I think I know something about. It's all about how aliens come here and make us fall in love. Why they should do this is a mystery, but perhaps it's explained in the book. It could be part of the well-documented breeding experiments that aliens have been conducting on us for some time, sort of like dog or racehorse breeders trying to get the best matches. Or maybe it's just that the aliens feel sorry for us. They looked at late-night television and saw all those advertisements for meeting agencies and lonely person chat lines and decided that we should be able to get together without paying $5.95 per minute. Some of them get too involved, though. I went out with an alien female once, but we broke up because she wanted probe more often than I did.
[You can buy this wonderful book here.]

How much is that doggy in the redcart?Doyletics -- A New Science for the 21st Century added 22 March 2001
There is a very nice waterfront seafood restaurant near my place called "Doyle's". When you go there for lunch it's a really relaxing experience and the cares of the world just seem to float away like the little boats leaving the nearby wharf. I never feel fear, anxiety or anger when I have a forkful of lobster in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other. I know it's just a coincidence because the Doyle that this web site is about has the first name Doyle so he probably isn't related to Peter Doyle, but is eerie how he also promises to cure fear, anxiety and anger. Perhaps you drag them away in the little red cart.

The Doyletics people had this to say at http://www.doyletics.com/digest16.htm:

Oh, can't resist sharing with you that the Doyletics Website was chosen as Loon of the Month. Seems the Skeptical Inquirer folks (the ratbags.com ones) are too busy making fun of people to actually read and understand what they're spoofing, but hey! they got the link address correct! As for me, I'm busy working on perfecting the mating call of the loon now. It’s good to be in the same category as Ignatz Semmelweis, among others.

The only problems I see with this are that a) it didn't win Loon of the Month, b) I'm not the "Skeptical Inquirer folks" (that's CSICOP), and c) I don't remember ever mentioning Dr Semmelweis. Oh, well ...

Loon of the Month Part 2

Hang them murderers, save them bunnies.Extra!
PETA’s recent letter concerning McVeigh’s last meal added 22 March 2001

Most correspondence about prisoners on death row is about execution, not food. [You can see an image of the the letter here.]

Don't go off half-cocked.Thunderwear added 22 March 2001
No longer do you have to face the embarrassment of people quoting Mae West at you and asking you is that a gun in your pocket. The battle of the bulge is won, because you can now hide your artillery in the most unlikely place - down the front of your pants. Another advantage of this is that it lets you get around in more casual clothes. My tailor is always complaining about how hard it is to get my jackets to drape correctly when there is a blunderbuss in an inside pocket (he gave up on the crossbow and quiver), and a shoulder holster chafes something awful when you have to wrestle feral animals. Be careful, though. When you put your gun away, make sure it's not cocked.

Thar she blows!Is this a picture of a soul catcher? added 15 March 2001
I don't imagine it's much fun at first being a disembodied soul. You have spent all that time being carried around by some body, taken to places (even if you didn't want to go there), nourished in whatever way souls get nourished by their hosts, and generally having a good time of it. Suddenly, you are cast adrift to look after yourself with no instructions and often very little notice. You float around aimlessly, wondering if you are going to be reincarnated into someone you might not like (if you are the Hindu sort of reincarnating soul) or sent off to Heaven or Hell (if you are a Christian soul) or just forgotten about completely (if you're the soul of an atheist). Luckily there is an organisation called the SSSS - the Spiritual Social Security Service - to gather you in and take care of you until your future is settled. Some people think that the souls are enslaved in some way, but that is because they can't spell. The word is "ensaved" and means just what you would think it means - the souls are brought back to a safe place, much as homeless people can find food and comfort at the mission shelter.

Water on Mars - coming to a planet near you real soon now.Red Colony.com - Terraforming - Other Methods added 15 March 2001
Have you ever thought about how much space people take up on Earth? If we give everyone 10 square metres of space, which is not too crowded, you need 10 square kilometres for every million people. According to the world population clock, there are about 6,134,635,703 of us as I write, so we need 61,350 square kilometres to fit us all in. Considering that the size of Western Australia, the largest state in Australia, is only 2,525,500 square kilometres you can see that things are going to get a bit crowded on Earth very soon. It's just as well that people are planning for the colonisation of Mars. What they have to do there is quite simple. They just have to melt the polar icecaps to get water, release some carbon dioxide out of the rocks, get some plants growing to make oxygen and make the atmosphere like Earth's, and then build all the cities, farms and factories that the colonists will need. This should all take no time at all and cost very little money. Easy!

An evolving consciousness?Transmuting the 3-D Existence added 15 March 2001
I worry about where the human race is going. Have we evolved this far only to stagnate, plateau, and then fade away, disappearing into a miasma of greenhouse gasses, fast food containers and discarded aglets? Are we becoming like socks, pens and keys - comfortably visible one day, gone forever the next? This site brings hope that we can yet evolve further, taking the lead from superior beings. As it says on the site: "It is only in recent years that we have been able to lift our sights by journeying into space to then look back and see that we are "one planet and one world" with one major species - us - human beings. At the same time we must also be open to the possibility of more evolved beings.. such as whales and dolphins with which we can dialogue with. When 'We All' as a race go to them with Love in our collective hearts.. will we then make our first major communication?"

Initiate me! New Initiations from Ancient Egypt - Attaining the State of a Vibrational Steward or Beyond and Attaining a Fifth Dimensional Awareness - Integrating the Unconscious added 9 March 2001
Two for the price of one! I couldn't separate these two articles because each gives us essential information about what is going to happen to us as our strands of DNA take on a crystalline structure. Or maybe our crystals start intertwining like DNA. Who knows? Perhaps we are simply going to become Christed as our polarities twist us away from the ovum. Unfortunately, it appears that the herpes virus did not receive the blueprint for the purpose of intercellular communication within the crystalline structure, and we have received no news since 1998. Perhaps these sites were predicting the recent past and we have missed it happening.

The UFO stands out like a dog's spaceship.Today's UFO's added 9 March 2001
When I first saw this site I wondered what it was that belonged to Today's UFO. "Today's UFO's what?" I asked myself. Then I realised it was Today's UFO's pictures. But pictures of what? And who (or what) is Today's UFO? When I looked at the pictures carefully, I saw that they were pictures of UFOs. This is obvious when you look at pictures like the one at right that shows a blatant case of UFOism. You just can't miss it, sitting there in the clouds wearing its clever cloud-like camouflage. The mystery is now solved. These are pictures that Today's UFO has to remind him (her? it?) of other UFOs. It must be terribly lonely being billions of measurement units away from your friends and family, so what is more natural than collecting photographs of other tourists?

Cracker want a polly?Rupert Sheldrake Online added 9 March 2001
I like birds. One of my favourite birds is the chicken, because of the variety of ways you can eat it. I know there are some other birds that you can eat, but I just can't imagine myself ordering a parrot, lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich for lunch. Perhaps this reticence to eat parrots comes from the same intuitions that make us resile from eating dolphins - the animals are so intelligent that they are too close to us. Then again, it might just be because parrots are stringy and unpleasant to eat. What I do know is that humans across the world share a dislike of parrot meat, surely an indication that Dr Sheldrake is partly right with some of his theories. His latest research concerns parrots and how smart they are, and it is good to see him asking for volunteer parrots to participate in research. I just thought - maybe we don't eat parrots because the things have hypnotised us into thinking they taste bad. That would be smart of them. And telepathic.

Back to Quintessence of the Loon. Email the
Copyright © 1998 - Peter Bowditch