Quintessence of the Loon

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Dolly. This picture is probably Copyright Time Magazine, but the St Francis people stole it first.Saint Francis Life Continuation Sanctuaries added 31 May 2001
Normally when a pet passes on, the family takes one of the traditional paths of having it mummified and entombed in a pyramid in the back yard, stuffing it and using it as a doorstop, cremating it and putting it in a little urn on the mantelpiece, using its pelt to make an attractive hat, or, in the case of goldfish, disposing of the body in an unspeakable fashion and rushing out to buy another one before the kids get home from school. All of these approaches lack the essential element of actually keeping the animal around. Sure, there are memories, but wouldn't the real thing be even better? Now you can pay only $575 and one day you may have the little treasure back again. If it's a cat, it can sharpen its claws on the doorstop.

Alas, it looks as though the Sanctuaries were not able to continue their own lives. PB February 2002

Women aren't going to stand for it any more!A Woman’s Guide on How to Pee Standing Up added 31 May 2001
Greenpeace campaigns for the environment. PETA and other animal rights organisations work to end animal cruelty. Amnesty International is dedicated to stamping out abuses of human rights. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation funds vaccination programs and vaccine research. Medicines Sans Frontieres takes health care to places ravaged by war and natural disasters. It is very pleasing, therefore, to see that the really important issues affecting the planet are receiving just as much attention. Someone had to take a stand.

A picture of my neurologicalsluiceThe Resurgence of Natural Law theory and the Human Rights Act 1998 added 31 May 2001
My neurologicalsluice makes me incapable of writing better words than the original: "Ultimately,the technology including x-rays of wrists at birth and facts statistically shown by neurologists and psychiatrists in the USA, would point to the fact that individuals who are usually imprisoned usually have a neurologicalsluice which allows a large volume of Mind with a large 'M' to flow into their minds with a small 'm', a neurotheological condition which is rare in women,and given the neurological explanation that the brain transmits consciousness these individuals are the engines of society (rather like electricity turning on light bulbs which transmit light) and in turn our Natural Law theory of consciousness involved in the science of legislation".

It looks like this horse would win by a length.The Horse Diaper added 24 May 2001
I have paid some attention before to the hygiene needs of animals. There was the Doggy Diaper which won Loon of the Month back in April 1999 and the toilet trained cats in March 2000, but these just addressed minor irritants. Sure, dogs can make a bit of a mess and it's a pain in something or other when the cat scratches the back door to go out, but for real inconvenience to humans you have to look at the horse. (I know, the elephant offers a bigger disposal problem, but who keeps one of them around the house?) It's good that someone has finally done something about this, but there is a downside. It seems that the horse diaper is causing some mental illness among the equines, largely induced by what is apparently a massive sense of disappointment. Imagine a mare looking out of her stall at a stallion grazing in the field. The next day she is taken out to meet him, but when she gets there she has another look and says to herself, "Oh, it's only one of those". Sad, really.

Many more than five elements in this periodic tableLight, Atoms, Galaxies and Gravity added 24 May 2001
I like a good rethink about how the universe works. It's all very well for those physicists and mathematicians in their ivory towers to come up with theories and win Nobel Prizes, but it's a closed shop. They are hidebound by tradition and, laughing in the face of Kuhn and Feyrabend, they stick to the old paradigm until it is forced from their cold, dead hands by the talented youth that they have been trying to hypnotise in the lecture hall. I empathise with John who owns this site, because when I was going to university I often went home after lectures knowing that my professor was wrong but not being able to quite put my finger on where the problem was. I must admit, though, that many times I gave in and accepted their obviously incorrect opinions just so that I could pass exams. How much better would it be if students could just be judged on their own opinions. Postmodernist physics. What a concept!

It's been disclosed!
Campaign for Disclosure Witnesses Panel added 24 May 2001
How did I miss this? "On Wednesday, May 9th, over twenty military, intelligence, government, corporate and scientific witnesses came forward at the National Press Club in Washington, DC to establish the reality of UFOs or extraterrestrial vehicles, extraterrestrial life forms, and resulting advanced energy and propulsion technologies". Now we know! There's even a video.

Unfortunately, the video of this momentous event is no longer available from the site above, but you can find out all about it at The Disclosure Project.
PB April 2002

Singleton or simpleton? You be the judge.Otherkin.net added 24 May 2001
Not everything is as it seems. Is that person next to you on the bus really human? They may look normal, but how would you know? The real problem is not so much that they might not be human, because we all know that the place is fairly riddled with aliens, reptilian shape-shifters and so forth, but what sort of non-human is it? Because of this uncertainty, there is a real danger of treating all non-humans as if they were hostile and only here to probe or govern us. It is good to know, therefore, that there is a class of benign non-humans who are looking out for us. Not only that, but many of them are "multiples" and carry their own reinforcements with them. They also talk of "singletons", but where are the ones that are easy to understand - the simpletons?

Number one with a bullet!Globe in Transit added 17 May 2001
There has been a long tradition for parents to hate the music enjoyed by their children. Often they describe it not as music, but as noise. For a long time it was thought that the trends in music represented rebellion against traditions and the creation of a new identity for each generation. Now we know that all of this was guided. It was not just an evolution of musical styles, as, for example, rock growing out of rhythm and blues and then begetting funk and disco. We now know that these changes, particularly in rock music, have been teleological - directed towards a goal. There now seems to be incontrovertible proof that music has been hijacked by aliens and is being used as a means of establishing control. Leo Fender and Les Paul didn't know what they were unleashing when they invented the electric guitar. Or did they? Is it a coincidence that a guitar plectrum is shaped like an alien's head? I think not!

Mike the peckerless chickenExtra
Mike the Headless Chicken added 17 May 2001

You didn't think I was going to miss this one, did you? This coming weekend is Mike the Headless Chicken Festival in Fruita, Colorado. Poultry lovers from all over the world will flock to Fruita for this celebration of chookery and I only wish I could be there myself. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the time off from work. I'm pretty low in the pecking order here. Not as low as Mike, though.

Your mission, Chandra, should you accept it ...Earth Link Mission added 17 May 2001
Every business seems to have a mission statement, so it is not surprising that an enterprise called "Earth Link Mission" should also have a mission statement. It says: "To globally link Earthworkers to a common cause which will enable coordinated efforts of group consciousness to unilaterally and simultaneously perform energetic realignments of the Etheric Earth on the physical earth, thereby accelerating the Ascension Plan in its perfection". In fact, it is so important that it says it twice. I'm glad that the people here take this mission doubly seriously, because I see unenergetic misalignments around me every day and I can't fix them all myself. It was an enormous relief to me to read that Chandra is "a polarity therapist and Energist who is sensitive to both the Earth, Human and Cosmic energy fields". Up until then I had not met anyone who could manage both of the three.

No contrails here!Celestial Temple added 17 May 2001
I remember having spelling tests when I was in school. I was pretty good at spelling, but I would have been much better if I had been able to get to this web site and have spelling classes. Seriously, though, this is about real spelling - casting spells and mixing magic potions. Things are a bit more liberated these days, but when I went to school, only the girls were allowed to go to the witchcraft classes. The boys all did alchemy and astrology. There is more to this site than just spells, though. You can get all sorts of oils, candles and stones and even voodoo dolls. I noticed that when you clicked on the link to "herbs and roots" you went to a page that actually said "Hrebs and Roots". At first I was going to make a joke about spelling but I thought that maybe this was significant, so I asked the crone at the local magick shoppe. She didn't know anything about hrebs, but she told me that the potion called "Adam and Eve Root" was used in Australia to make a perfume called "Original Sin". Fascinating.

Sharpens wits as well as razor blades.International Academy of Vibrational Therapy added 11 May 2001
I like my vibrations to be in order. I hate just lying around, vibrating randomly with an occasional twitch of my root chakra and a shiver up my meridians. I have been wondering for a long time how to fix this, and conventional methods just weren't working. No matter how many weasels I smoked or how much astrology I rubbed on my head, things just stayed discombobulated. This site finally gave me the answer. Funnily enough, I had tried a combination of pyramids and crystals before but I guess joining a multi-level marketing plan and sprinkling a lot of salt on my food wasn't the right way to go about it. Now I have the fancy box with the pyramid sticks and crystals in it, I can go anywhere and as soon as I set it up, people leave me alone to relax.

Ouch!Butt Candles added 11 May 2001
We all thought this was a joke, but I did a bit of investigating to get to the bottom of things and see what was behind it. I felt that the site owner was being a bit cheeky and sitting on the truth, so I assked some questions. Someone is making money, because the site owner has piles of gold. It was the links to homeopathy sites that finally convinced me that the site was real, because homeopaths have always been blowing smoke out of their ... well, you don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows. By the way, when you call these people up the music on hold is Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire", Elton John playing "Candle in the Wind", and Jimi Hendrix doing "Hey, Joe". I understand the last one, but ...

Searching Mars for souls to reincarnate.Human Understood Reincarnation or Resurrecting the Dead added 11 May 2001
This site says: "God is the Gravitational and electromagnetci field in which the Universe is situated. Prophets or seerers look into the future and fortell Events as fortold by God by resonating to the time tunnel or vibration in the Earth's Electromagnetic field, as modulated by the planets and the Sun. The Human body is made up of C, N, H, NH4 groups, sugar, carbohydrates, DNA, RNA, CHromosomes, Glonoids, Glands, etc which ACT AS Transistors, IC, (Integrated circuits, Resistors, capacitors, which renders the body to act and respond as a Transponder, Broadcasting Human Radar and Computer. The brain broadcast out 'life force ' or human bio life cycle waves which is reflected by the Van Allen's Belt as (it in turn) is induced and / or modulated by the planets". Sadly for a site dedicated to bringing back the dead, the founder of the movement died and has not as yet come back. Immediately after this announcement on the site, it says: "loading, please wait...". We are waiting.

They let skipping out? Its' FREE?Skippers of the World Unite!!! added 3 May 2001
Imagine the scene. A family is having lunch in the park and suddenly they hear the rhythmic footsteps not of a ballet chorus, not of a platoon of soldiers going about their lawful pursuits, but of a mob of deranged skippers all calling out in unison "left, left, right, right, left, left, right, right". Suddenly the group is upon them and, realising too late that it is almost impossible to change direction quickly when skipping, they rampage across this family picnic, leaving a trail of broken plates and broken dreams. A small child cries, clutching a stomped teddy bear. Elsewhere in the city, motorists are delayed as bridges are blocked by the annual half-skipathon. Outside the state legislature building an angry crowd of skippers demands the introduction of skip-only lanes on highways and the compulsory teaching of skipping in state schools. The police confront the protestors, lock their riot shields together, and advance. Suddenly, one policeman stumbles and catches himself by landing on the same foot twice. The man next to him does the same. Then it spreads. Silence falls across the protesting crowd, then someone starts applauding ...

Brrr! Great for cooling the house in summer.Cold Fusion Motor added 3 May 2001
Whether you live in the northern hemisphere where summer is about to start or down under where winter is icumen in, you will see the immediate value of a motor powered by cold fusion. In hot places, you can use it to power your air conditioners, and you have the added advantage that you can direct the exhaust pipe towards you for even more cool air (with no nasty pollutants in it, just good clean cool). In colder climes, you can probably harness the cold weather to make this motor even more efficient and make things fuse even better. It will be wonderful when they get these motors in cars. Imagine how convenient it will be when you go up to the service station to get a couple of bags of ice to keep the beer cold at your barbeque. You will just be able to drop the bags on top of the engine to power you all the way home again.

Loon of the Month

It was no contest this month for Loon of the Month. We are all used to things being measured in football fields, that universal unit of measurement that is exactly the same everywhere and transcends imperial measurement, metrics, soccer, rugby (both union and league), American football, Gaelic football, Australian Rules, and the Eton Wall Game. The gum wrapper chain is 122 football fields long, but what guaranteed the prize was the introduction of a new unit of measurement - the 747 cruising altitude.
I can't decide whether I'm rapt or I'm stuck.World Record Gum Wrapper Chain added 3 May 2001
Think of humanity's achievements. We have taken men from Earth, landed them on the Moon, and brought them back. We have taken hearts from people and transplanted them into other people so that the recipients may continue to live. We have wiped out smallpox. Some of us have written Macbeth, painted Guernica or composed a 9th Symphony. We have invented machines that can fly, and machines that can swim under the sea, machines that let us communicate over vast distances, and machines that can destroy cities in an instant. We have instruments that can observe and measure the farthest galaxies or the internals of the atom. We have discovered fire, agriculture, religion, and love. But something was always missing. Out there, on the edge of visibility, was something more, something not yet attained. Until now ...

Don't ever let me catch you singing!Extra!
The Official Billy Bass Page added 3 May 2001

Speaking of advances in technology, here is the official page for the most useful home appliance ever invented. Better than the automatic waffle butterer, handier than a stoat shampooer, more stylish than a Bang and Olufsen PlayStation.

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