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> "Psychic" Predictions for 2010
Like any good psychic, I have some predictions for the coming year. One of my predictions is that my predictions will be at least as accurate as those done by professional psychics in widely-circulated magazines.
And now for some astrology.
Capricorn - You will have in infestation of horny goat weed in your lawn but as you do not need it for your love life a dose of Roundup will fix the problem. Your lucky lotto numbers are 1, 9, 13, 21, 25 and 37. You will have good luck seven days either side of a full moon.
Aquarius - You are the water carrier, so you will be able to wash your car in Sydney but you will not be allowed to hose your paths or driveway. Lucky lotto numbers are 2, 10, 14, 22, 26 and 38. Lucky moon phases are the week following a full moon and the week following last quarter.
Pisces - You should pay particular attention to the quality of water in your swimming pool to avoid fin rot, and be careful you don't get caught in the sunken pirate ship. Lotto numbers for you are 3, 11, 15, 23, 27 and 39. Favourable tides will occur seven days before and after the new moon.
Aries - In contract negotiations you will be accused of woolly thinking and trying to ram your opinions through. Tell your critics to butt out. Tick the lotto boxes for 4, 12, 16, 24, 28 and 40. Night-time activities will become easier as the light improves in the fortnight leading up to the full moon.
Taurus - In some discussions your opinions will be rejected with indirect reference to your star sign, even if the person does not know your birthday. Be careful where you step when walking in strange meadows. You will be able to see the ground better at night in the week either side of a full moon, and you will not be at a disadvantage by picking 1, 5, 13, 17, 25 and 29 in lotto.
Gemini - People say that bad luck comes in threes but for you it will come in twos, as will good luck. The good luck extends to your lotto numbers, which are all divisible by two � 2, 6, 14, 18, 26 and 30. There are also two favourable moon phases - seven days after a full moon and a week before the new moon.
Cancer - Stop smoking, stay out of the sun and consume plenty of anti-oxidants. Be careful who you get romantically involved with and see your doctor immediately if you develop an intense itch inside your underpants. Romance will blossom in the dim light of the fortnight surrounding the new moon, and the numbers 3, 7, 15, 19, 27 and 31 look auspicious.
Leo - People will make jokes about how you like your meat raw and spend your time just lyin' on the couch, but ladies will call you "The Main Event". You will not like puns any better at the end of 2010 than you do at the start of the year. Take pride in the week leading up to the moon's first quarter and the week following, and the lotto numbers 4, 8, 16, 20, 28 and 32 should give you pause for thought.
Virgo - If you are not a Virgo at the start of the year then little can be done to change the situation, but if you want to still be a Virgo at the end of the year you should avoid Capricorns, especially if you see one eating the grass in his back yard. You need to be extra careful in the weeks before and after a full moon as these are times when both you and Capricorns get lucky. Lotto numbers 5, 9, 17, 21, 29 and 33 might look a little odd but try them anyway.
Libra - You will forget to return a book to the library and the librarian will be understanding, although you might have to pay a small fine. The balance in your life is shown by your even lotto numbers (6, 10, 18, 22, 30 and 34) and the way your lucky moon phase is exactly seven days either side of last quarter.
Scorpio - Be careful in the last months of the year because the sting is in the tail. If you are looking for romance then Cancer will be sympathetic to the "many legs" problem, but if you are attracted to a Capricorn make sure it is Roundup he is spraying the grass with and not Mortein. Lucky lotto numbers are 7, 11, 19, 23, 31 and 35 and your best moon phases are the week after last quarter and the seven days before first quarter.
Sagittarius - When you look back on your achievements at the end of 2010 you will be able to take a bow, and your friends will accept some horseplay at the work Christmas party. You will find Leos sympathetic when people mention your hoarse voice. For lotto you should target the numbers 7, 11, 19, 23, 31 and 35 and things will get brighter for you in the fourteen days leading up to a full moon.
A version of this article was published on the Yahoo! 7 News Blog on January 6, 2010